


Can't Keep Secrets Here

by Nymihan



Category: South Park
Genre: AU, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Cheating, Childhood Friends, Dubious Consent, F/M, Feelings Realization, Friendship/Love, High School, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Love Confessions, M/M, Overthinking, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2020-10-26 12:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20742017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nymihan/pseuds/Nymihan
Summary: Secret meetings at a secret place had become a recurrent thing for them, they could share their deepest thoughts without fear, but when Stan is moving away and Kyle is still as deeply in love with him, the feelings he thought were unrequited start to become unbearable.---Inspired by Alec Benjamin's song "Water Fountain"





	1. By the Water Fountain

Kyle was waiting impatiently, sitting on the fountain rim and shaking his leg at a rhythmic pace. His friend delay was making him immensely worried, but when wasn’t he late? Stan’s usual thirty-minute tardiness was nothing to be worried about, but still made Kyle uncomfortable, the urge to see his best friend in such a special and personal space ruling his mind and making him unable to stop doing those trembly little movements with his hands, feet and legs.

The fountain was their usual comfort zone to talk about everything and nothing at all, from their deepest fears, to their relationship problems, or just to share a silent moment in the other’s company, resting their backs together while sitting on the fountain edge. Today at school, Stan had asked Kyle if they could meet to talk, they never said where, it was implicit since years. He had a sad look in his eyes as he asked him to ditch class, so Kyle, being the friend he was and feeling the things he felt for his friend (and maybe because of his hopeless romantic nature), couldn’t do anything except to accept and assure him he’d be waiting in their regular meeting point.

And there he was, the minutes were passing by and there was no sight of Stan, not even a call or a text. But deep down he knew his friend, and that he never missed a fountain meeting, “therefore it shouldn’t be too long until he shows up”, he was thinking when suddenly the black haired boy walked towards him with an apologetic look in his face and already making a pointless excuse that Kyle would totally accept and forget right away because he loved him so much, he had forgiven him a thousand times in their almost nineteen years together and he’d forgive him a thousand more, because damn it, he had that something he always forgot when he wasn’t with him but hit him hard every time they met.

“Dude, sorry, I ran into Wendy while coming here and she went all controlling asking where was I going, why was I skipping class, my grades were bad enough blah blah… I’m getting really tired of her attitude.” The bad impression of Stan’s everlasting girlfriend made Kyle chuckle and couldn’t take him seriously, even though his friend looked really upset while saying this.

“Don’t worry, dude. I knew you’d arrive eventually” He punched Stan’s arm as he sat beside him, his friend smiling slightly, “Hey, are you okay? You seemed kind of down when you asked me to come here…”

Kyle always went straight to the point with him, something Stan was always grateful for. “Just, the usual Wendy stuff, it’s not even her fault, I’m being a total asshole when she’s just acting like this out of fear, but I know she only wants to help me”

“So… the usual” It’s kind of harsh to say it, but Stan was nothing but a dick to his girlfriend since a couple of months ago. Nobody cared more about Stan than Kyle, but Wendy was sure to take that place the time Kyle neglected his position. She loved him as much as the redhaired boy did, and he admired her for putting up with all their friend’s crap, but he knew she wasn’t happy. None of them was. They’ve been in and out of their relationship for almost ten years, fighting and breaking up, and then getting back together, falling back into their tortuous, endless loop. Even though they always talk about their feelings, Kyle had seen every one of their break ups from afar, not really wanting to get in trouble between those two. Of course, he was there for his friend, but when Stan is drunk asking him to call Wendy for him, or badmouthing her, or crying his eyes out, he just stays in silence, resting his hand on his friend’s shoulder, not really wanting to fuel Stan’s temper against his in-and-out girlfriend.

“Yeah… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, with us. We try to be nice to each other, but the slightest misunderstanding pushes her over the edge, and we end up fighting again”

“I guess she’s just worried because graduation is coming… And dude, it must be troubling her the fact that you are going to part ways to different universities”. Kyle tried to sound casual while saying this, scared that his voice would break. It was heartbreaking to think that he wouldn’t see his best friend and childhood crush every day in a very near future.

“Actually, she’s moving with me to California” He replied, kind of uncomfortable and avoiding his friend’s gaze.

“Oh… but that’s good, right? You’ll have plenty of time to fix things” He tried to sound excited about the news but couldn’t help but feel jealous. He hated himself for that.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to think about that right now, she just told me this morning… Ugh”

Suddenly, Kyle felt like he hadn't talked in his life. His eyes became blurry because of the tears that were filling them slowly, painfully packing his mind with memories as he processed everything. He turned around to the melted snow to touch it with his fingertips, like the water was this sort of portal that could take him away from here, calming him down a little, but with no effort as he heard this sweet but harmful voice talking again.

“Ah, fuck. And prom is a week away, I can’t be dealing with this. What if she doesn’t want to go with me now? I know I don’t wanna attend that fucking shit.” Stan was holding his head on his hands, elbows held down on his knees, muffling his voice. He didn’t see his friend’s reaction; he kept rambling, but Kyle wasn’t able to get a single word of what he was saying. He just nodded, knowing Stan wasn’t looking but not being capable of talking without uncovering his imminent tears.

A constant buzz started inside his head while the picture of all the moments he and Stan had shared, the moments they’ve lived together since kids and all the unlikely moments he once pictured with him, were falling apart. He just sank in that this was the end of everything they were used to.

Suddenly the buzz stopped and that’s when he realized it was Stan’s voice, and he’d stopped talking waiting for a response from his friend. It was getting harder and harder to keep his cool with all this pressure. Kyle was tired of being the voice of reason of the four, always being the one with his feet on the ground. He just wanted to be vulnerable for once, goddamnit. The fountain felt like that place, but it wasn’t. It never was. Even his closest friend expected something from him in his safe space… He was tired of everyone expecting something from him.

Kyle let out a deep breath before answering, turning his head to face his friend again. “I don’t know what to say. Wendy also has her side of the story; she must be dealing with problems, too. And we know she’s just worried about you. I can just say…” he shrugged, kind of done but not wanting to hurt or make Stan angry with what he was going to say, “try to be thankful when people care about you.”

This made Stan become silent for a few minutes, frowning like he was studying the hardest of the subjects. Kyle thought he had got mad for real but then his expression relaxed, turning and smiling softly to Kyle’s confusion.

“Thanks, dude. We should go back to class” Even though his words sounded sharp, the smile in Stan’s face was full of gratitude.

“They’re probably done for today”

“I left my bag in the classroom” He said, kind of embarrassed.

“You are such an idiot, Stan.” Kyle mocked him, but still smiled.

They got up, Kyle brushed the dust off his clothes and took his backpack, Stan turned to look at the garden that surrounded the fountain with a thoughtful look.

“I’m gonna miss this place”

_And I’m gonna miss you_, the redhaired boy just nodded, making an agreeing sound and putting his backpack on. They walked through the old garden’s rusty gates into the forest, covered in melting snow, talking nothings and laughing.

When they arrived at school, Cartman, Butters and Kenny were waiting for them at the front.

“So, if it isn’t the beauty and the Jew” mocked Cartman at the sight of them.

“Shut up, fatass.”

“Make me” Kyle flipped him off, gracefully, at which Eric just laughed.

“We were gonna head off but Butters said you three have to do a final project or something?” Kenny asked.

“Oh shit! I totally forgot. Sorry, Butters.” Stan looked concerned but the small blonde’s voice calmed him down.

“No worries, feller. I was kind of worried about you two. Didn’t see you in class” Stan blushed slightly, he didn’t want people to know he’s been going to a secret fountain in the middle of the forest since almost four years, after all, he was all about looks.

“We found a wounded rabbit at the playground so we took it to the vet, you know how Stan gets with animals.” Kyle quickly came to Stan’s rescue, giving him a glance.

“Oh sure, I get it. Well then, let’s get going.” Said Butters and started walking, but Kenny interrupted him.

“Actually, I’m going with Kyle” Kenny said, and smiled at the redhead like they both knew some important secret.

“Right. See you tomorrow, guys.”


	2. Blurry Thoughts

Kyle waved them goodbye as he walked next to Kenny’s tall and slim figure. His usual orange parka covering his body despite the sunny weather, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and hat resting on his shoulders. It’s been just a couple of years since he started using it like this, and boy sure it made the difference.

“Were you torturing yourself again?” Kenny asked when they were far enough from the other boys.

“Kind of…”

“You know you always can make out with me to replace him” Kenny winked at him, his teeth showing as he grinned.

“Dude, weak” Kyle laughed, punching him hard on the arm.

“Ow, that _hurt_.” The blond rubbed his arm as he pouted. “No, but for real, I hate seeing you so down. You don’t even insult Cartman anymore. I’m kinda worried, everything okay?”

Kenny was a great listener, and although the quietest of the four, Kyle felt very comfortable talking about his failed love life with him, and vice versa. His lighthearted character made it easier for Kyle to get along with. Still, after everything he'd found out earlier, he could only sigh in response, trying to avoid the question as he waved it off with one hand, but the blond stood in front of him, forcing Kyle to stop.

“Kenny…”

“I know you are sad; I know you’re worried about Stan,” Kenny grabbed his shorter friend’s shoulders, and looked him directly in the eyes, “but this is hurting you, badly. I hate saying this, but you must accept it.” Light, ocean blue eyes meeting green, _damnit_, this was too much to handle for him, and he knew what was coming. “You can’t be together. Stan is so damn stubborn on being with Wendy for the rest of his fucking life that he can’t realize the opportunity he’s missing with you. And I’m sorry, but you gotta get a grip.”

Kenny’s stare was impossible to hold right now. Kyle kept looking at his untied shoes like they were the most interesting thing in the world. Feeling like he was going to cry from frustration he shook his head, as it would get every thought in order before he spoke. He lifted his gaze to his friend.

“The worst thing is that I already know that. You think I want to feel like this? You think I like this?” He gestured widely with both hands, easily releasing himself from his friend’s confident yet soft grasp. “Kenny, I hate this. I can’t wait to move on, but I also…” His voice broke, and he took his hands to his face, trying to calm down. Firm arms wrapped gently on Kyle’s shoulders, and he felt like he could cry from having someone care so much for him. He returned the hug, hiding his face in the taller boy’s neck.

Some silent seconds -or maybe minutes- passed until Kenny spoke again, his words cutting off Kyle’s overwhelming train of thought and his arms soothing him away from reality.

“You know, I’m sad too. About Stan. About y’all, really.” He blew some of Kyle curls as he spoke. “I hate thinking about you leaving…” The tone followed by a pause at the end of the sentence made Kyle think he was going to add something, but it never came. Instead they broke the hug and Kenny smiled tenderly at him, as he messed his hair. They started walking as he spoke again “Butters is leaving, you are leaving, Stan, Eric, Clyde, Wendy…” The sadness in his friend’s voice made Kyle hurt even more. “It’s too much right now.”

“I wish we all could go together, except for Fatass of course” He tried to lighten the mood for both of them, and even though Kenny laughed, he knew this was hard for him, so he reassured him. “You know I will visit you, not a lot of times, San Francisco is kind of far away, but I will.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be okay with you visiting me just once in a while. Just don’t forget me, Jew.”

“I won’t, asshole. How the hell can you say that?”

“At least I hope Butters doesn’t forget about me, Denver is right fucking next to us.” He said as he kicked a rock with his foot.

“Of course he won’t, you are his best friend, like, real best friend.” He saw Kenny’s expression soften a little. “And what will you do here?” Kyle asked him, his friend had told him that he wanted to study something computer science related, but it was impossible for him and his family to afford it. He just resigned to stay in the town, but he hadn’t told Kyle what he was going to do.

“I will help my father with his work” he shrugged, it has been already three years since Kenny worked on a mechanic with his father, he did most of the job, though. “And I will keep Karen safe from our family curse, y’know, drugs.” They were arriving to Kyle’s place. “I hate this son of a bitch town, dude. I can’t wait to get out someday. But I’ll wait for Karen to do it first, and when I’m sure she’s ok, I will fucking bail.”

“She’s so lucky to have you.” Kyle turned back to look at his friend, warmness filling his chest as he cherished Kenny’s friendship. He started walking towards the door, his friend stopping at the sidewalk, looking at him inquiringly. “Thank you, for everything. I’ll be okay.” He lied; worrying his already worried friend was a cruel thing to do.

“Sure, dude.” A hint of sadness drew itself on Kenny’s lips as he smiled, and Kyle thought he couldn’t hide his feelings from him, or maybe Kenny read minds. “Later.”

“Take care”

The words echoed in the Broflovski’s living room as he walked into his house, greeting the nothingness until his mother answered joyfully from the kitchen.

“Hi bubie, how was your day?” She shouted, not really expecting an answer from her son. Kyle just meh’d as he went into the kitchen; Sheila was cooking something, and his stomach growling at the nice smell of it made him realize he hadn’t eaten since first period. He opened the fridge and took half of a sandwich he left in the morning. Sheila asked about the university admission process, but the boy’s mind was in another place, he didn’t really pay any attention to what she was saying, the words flying free in his head while he ate his not so filling lunch.

“Mom, sorry, can we talk later? I’m not feeling good right now” He bit the sandwich, then felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, followed by a chime.

“Oh, okay Kyle,” the phone chimed again, “but check it before you forget.” Check what? Who cares… He had just got in his room, when the messages made themselves noticeable again, this time thrice in a row. The boys had texted in their group chat. He sighed, swiping the messages, not wanting to worry about anything but himself for a moment; but before they disappeared he caught a glimpse of the word “prom” on the screen, leaving yet another issue in his worn out mind. Prom was in four days and he needed a date. _Shit_. Couldn’t his mind shut up for just one second? He jumped onto the bed and hid his face in the pillows, grunting his frustration out.

He tried to picture himself going with any of the girls from his class, but it felt weird, an awkward problem he’d like to avoid. But, who could he invite, then? He wasn’t ready to tell everyone he was gay by inviting a guy to the party. He rolled back on the bed to look at the ceiling, feeling confused and, right now, quite alone.

He sighed for the hundredth time that day, taking his phone and reading the whole bunch of messages his friends had sent. It was all about the prom and going to buy tuxedos and stuff. Then, in their personal chat, Stan had sent him a picture, followed by a _How does it look? I took this the other day but—_text he didn’t really read as he was mesmerized by said picture, trying not to gasp out loud when he saw how handsome his friend looked in a navy blue tux. Now he couldn’t get Stan’s image out of his head. He tossed his phone across the bed and hid again on the pillow like some pre-teen squeaking about their idol crush, and wanting to look at it again but feeling utterly ashamed at the thought of it, like it was a crime to be feeling this things towards his super best friend.

If he was wearing that to prom, he’d lose it.

If they could go together, he would be the one to steal everyone’s glances.

“_Wait, what?_” He quickly stopped himself from carrying on with his thoughts. “_Don’t do that to yourself. You know you can’t go together. Even if they break up again this week, he’s off limits._”

He forced himself to think carefully about the prom date. But his mind kept evoking Stan’s image looking at him with that stupid smile. He grunted again, hiding his face in his hands. Now his head hurt by overthinking too much, so he took his phone and reluctantly wrote Bebe’s number on the dial.

_“Here goes nothing.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again, I have already written the next one so i may publish it on sunday, by the way, I know they're short chapters, and indeed it will be kind of a short story, but that is cuz I want to keep it short to not grow bored and actually finish it 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading!!


	3. Go Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to put the notes per chapter and not at the end of the whole work. If someone can help me I will be so grateful. Again, thanks for reading!!

“She told me she’s going with Clyde” The redhaired boy was leaning against the wall as he checked his phone, not wanting to look at his friends and trying to act natural as if Bebe’s rejection meant nothing to him. But his cheeks betrayed him and turned red as he spoke.

“Poor Clyde, he’s gonna run out of money with her” Butters lamented, thankfully not noticing his friend’s embarrassment, or at least not acknowledging it.

“Red also rejected me,” said Kenny, who was sitting on the hallway stairs, playing with his shoelaces absentmindedly, “and she told me they’re all already taken. We’re screwed.”

“Maybe she said that for you to stop bothering them” Kyle was instantly flipped off by his called out friend.

“What if we went together? As a group? I mean, if we don’t find a date” Butters excited voice made Kyle look away from his phone and actually consider going with his friends until Cartman’s voice interrupted.

“That’s fucking gay, Butters” He said as he met them, wiping out the excitement from the small blonde’s face, Butters adding an almost inaudible_ “aw it is, isn’t it?”._

“Oh, can’t you shut up?” Kyle barked at him, earning a grin from Kenny “Let him enjoy something, for fuck’s sake. And it isn’t a bad idea at all, Butters” he added, looking at him, Butters smiled again. 

“Yeah, and dude, everybody hates you, so I guess you don’t have a date either, unless you paid someone…?”

“Fuck you, Kinny.” He said as he sat beside him, but not really giving an answer.

“So it’s a deal! We just have to tell Stan” The smile Kenny’s lips were showing and the sudden clap that startled all of them were enough proof of his excitement.

“Yeah sure, you try that” Cartman snorted sarcastically and made a hand gesture to the lockers down the hallway, where Stan and Wendy were kissing too passionately for a school corridor.

“Woah dude, they’re going at it!” Kenny laughed and straightened to get a better look, Kyle took his parka hat and covered his head abruptly.

“Well maybe they’ll fight and won’t go together” remarked Eric, leaning back on the stairs unconcerned about all of this.

“You never know with these two.”

A rising feeling of jealousy grew inside his chest as he watched them kiss again and again, and the displeasure sure was clear on his face because as Butters asked him _Kyle, what happened? _he had to focus on restraining the frustration tears, walking away and ensuring his friend that he was okay, he only forgot something.

He was done of feeling so sensitive, mad at himself for letting Stan’s ghost control him so easily, only a word and he was at his feet; giving everything for someone who only craved his company when he was feeling down about his girlfriend, and never returning the favour because he was always too busy keeping their destructive dynamic alive.

His mind led him to the fountain’s arms. His safe space only for him to have was all his brain could think of as his legs instinctively walked him to that place.

He didn’t realize how fast he was going until he stumbled with a rock near the entrance of the garden. Today was colder than yesterday, still the snow was melting fast, the heat of spring predicting an even hotter summer. He entered through the gates and glanced around.

The old fountain was the centrepiece of an old, abandoned garden in the outskirts of the town, it belonged to a now burnt-out house, completely covered in green as its surroundings. It should have burned a long time ago for the amount of plants that now blocked its remains out.

He looked upon him, at the treetops that hid this quiet place from the sunrays. The pine trees surrounded the old garden’s rusty iron fence, and inside it, in the forgotten garden, the wild roses covered everything they touched. Thorns entangling on near flowers and trees, owning the place sights. 

He and Stan had found it one summer night when they all were drinking and fooling around at Token’s. They suddenly got bored and went for a walk away from the loud music and numerous drunken teenagers. They had ignored Craig’s questions and Eric’s mocking when they saw them leave together. Luckily, Stan wasn’t wasted and Kyle had barely touched the drinks; they were on a great mood to ignore the world and be the inseparable friends they time to time were.

It was coated in even more plants back then. The greenery under the moonlight looked like some huge, marvellous monster devouring everything on its path. Giving life to the beautiful sight they had in front of them.

Stan had said it was the most beautiful place he had seen in the town, and had started exploring it as Kyle looked from afar, as experience had taught him to stay alert, but his friend’s extended arm inviting him was enough convincing for his spirit to give in.

They stayed all night stargazing. Stan had said he was glad to have found that place with him. It was a weirdly close moment between the two; they were sitting on the fountain edge, Kyle had his head resting on his friend’s shoulder, peeking at him on occasion, trying to not get caught and silently admiring how his dark blue eyes reflected every tiny speck of starlight as if they were a mirror… Or were they more like the deep sea? He felt like those eyes were the ones who had sunk him deeper into the feelings he back then had just started to accept. He now wished he could go back and stay in that night forever. 

They kept it as a secret place and went there time to time after school, at first just by curiosity and to prove themselves it wasn’t a fever dream they had. It slowly became the intimate place to talk it now was, it took them four years and now the thought of leaving it behind for some new people to find (or maybe no one) made Kyle extremely nostalgic.

Four years have passed and now they were leaving for college. They would be apart for a long time, and there would be some friends he won’t even see again. He was going to be pretty close to Stan compared to the distance away from his other friends. He knew he would be able to meet him once in a while, but he also wanted to take this as the opportunity to forget him once and for all. Both of them would be busy keeping their own lives together. Even more when Kyle was going to study something he didn’t decide. Law school was something that was planned for him beforehand, and even if the idea of being the same as his father didn’t thrill him, he wasn’t going to fight it, he knew it paid good money and that he was capable of going through it. He might find his passion in the way, but he knew he could wait for it.

The most important part was that he could start again somewhere else, and that was always a good thing. The picture of a future where he could be free from the emotional ties that kept him loving this unreachable someone was exciting. After all, loving him always hurt.

But trying to swim out from those deep blue, sea-like eyes that had him sunk in the first place was never going to be easy…

Suddenly his phone rang and its existence woke him up from his spiraling, reminding him he was supposed to be at school; he declined the unknown number calling and realized an hour had passed since he got here. He quickly stood up, fumbling the air as he lost balance. He started running as fast as he could through the forest, the streets and into the high school’s front yard. He circled the building, entering through the back emergency door. He looked around the corridor, hiding between the lockers. No one was around, which was actually worse for him. His quick breath was loud in the quiet hall and his body felt dizzy because of the weariness, black dots hovering around his view. He closed his eyes for some seconds until he gathered all his strength to do a final effort to run to the classroom. He didn’t open them until he was hitting against someone who held him in their arms.

He lazily opened his eyes, dizziness still spinning his head.

“Kye, Kye!” His shortened name being called on repeat by this sweet, kind of high-pitched voice, made him come back to earth and take a step away from the arms that still held him steady. Then he saw his friend’s blue eyes which he had just been remembering at their secret place. “Dude, are you okay?” Stan’s extended arms still watching over the shaky boy, taking him by the shoulders now. 

“Woah, yeah, I’m okay, no need to do that.” Kyle tried to get away from the other’s grasp, but his friend was still concernedly holding him.

“Dude you're shaking, wait, did you just get here?” They didn’t have the same schedule, but Stan never cared about himself being late, why does he care about him? Fuck, he wasn’t in the mood. He just nodded. “You sneaky bastard, why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve meet before coming.” Stan’s closeness was hurting him badly, now he could smell that freaking deodorant he liked to use before and after physical ed, the white shirt of the gym uniform fitting his figure and his blue eyes scrutinizing him, meanwhile Kyle’s eyes were fixed on a tiny purple stain close to his shirt collar, hiding the trace of a lipstick kiss in his neck. Probably Wendy’s. Hopefully Wendy’s. “I was thinking we and the guys could grab something to eat after school” 

“If you can get through this class, maybe, lazy ass.” He straightened up, trying to smile at him but glancing uncomfortably at his friend’s hands still on his shoulders.

Stan was a serious boy, and for Kyle his laugh was like music. So, when he suddenly hugged him while laughing, he just let himself sunk in the warmness. Even though his happiness was caused by someone else, Kyle enjoyed this moment as if he could ever be the reason of it.

“Dude, I’m so happy, Wendy and I talked things out and we’re okay again. I can’t deny I missed her.” Kyle could feel his friend’s smile as he spoke, trying to do the same with no effort at all. “And all thanks to what you told me yesterday. Thank you, Kye.” He broke the hug and Kyle had to quickly turn his grimace into a forced smile.

“Everything for a friend” Still smiling, he cringed his body, avoiding Stan’s touch. He was just thinking how he didn’t want to be controlled by his feelings, and here he was again. A whistle was heard from afar.

“You better get going to class” Kyle said, uncomfortably looking at the back-yard gate. Stan had a dull look in his face while looking at it.

“Yeah, I’m going, but first…” Stan quickly took off Kyle’s ushanka and started running towards the back yard, smiling widely. 

“Wha--- Give it back, you asshole!” he yelled, instantly covering his mouth as he remembered where he was. He tried to grab his arm but his slow and unsteady movements were far behind from his friend’s.

“I’m keeping this!” Stan shouted joyfully, waving the green hat, “You have another one, don’t you?” his voice getting lost in the still lonely corridor as he marched out of it. Kyle stood there for a while, dumbly staring at the door his friend just went through, mainly because he was still feeling dizzy, but also because his spirit was so low he couldn’t snap out of it. He then looked at his untied shoelaces and walked to the classroom, ready to be yelled at.


	4. As Messy as Your Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! oh god, it's been so long. I hope it doesn't take me five more months to write a single chapter, English is hard lol 
> 
> anyways, enjoy and thanks for giving this fanfic a try!

That afternoon the Marsh house was loud but not busy, Stan had recently arrived from the fast food place he went with the boys, except for Kyle. He said he had homework, and Stan wasn’t going to insist, but he felt kind of disappointed about his absence. He was sitting on his desk chair in his room, wheeling around, checking every social media timeline in a skilful manner, as he listened to some old music Henrietta handed him a long time ago; the high volume being enough proof of how much he still liked it.

He opened his messages, checking if Kyle had answered the concerned text he'd sent him an hour ago in the middle of one of Jimmy’s jokes, everybody laughing but Stan being too worried about his friend to care. But there was no answer. Nothing. Not even a read receipt. He felt kind of left aside; okay, it was only because he seemed so unwell at school and he just wanted to know if he was feeling better. Was he worrying too much? Maybe. Was he going to stop? He was trying. He went back to look at his feed, passing back and forth between all his friend’s virtual lives, still with the redhead’s image on his mind, trying to ignore the fact that he was active less than an hour ago? He was totally ignoring him.

He let out a frustrated grunt, leaving his phone on the desk and spinning his chair once, then letting his body slide slowly from it but not completely, his legs keeping him in place.

Why was he so protective over his friend? Was it always like this? He couldn’t remember when it started to feel like he was constantly worried about him and his wellbeing. It may had started a couple of years ago, but he didn’t know why; Kyle didn’t need anyone to look after him, he rather looked out for the rest of them. 

A slight blush drew in his cheeks as he tried to find the reason, when suddenly his mother’s voice trying to speak above the loud music made him turn around in his chair, getting him out of his thoughts in a flash. Sharon was clearly upset as she waited for her son to stop the track that was playing in the old and almost forgotten radio. She was frowning at Stan’s expression, like he just got caught doing something bad, illegal even.

“You’ve got to pick what you’re gonna take, Stan" she said, still frowning, when the boy finally turned down the music. "Two weeks are gone in no time. I already….”

“Yeah, you already told me, mom. And I told you didn’t have time” Stan interrupted her, earning even a dirtier look.

“But now you do, and I want it all done before next Wednesday.” The woman walked away not without first giving her disrespectful son a deadly warning gaze.

“On it…” He took his phone one more time, just in case… but he left it on the desk without checking it. He’d been brushing off the task of going through all his old stuff for almost a month now, so he understands why Sharon is so mad at him. Old clothes, photos, toys he hadn’t seen in years, and a lot of garbage he kept were a lot to handle. And now he had little to no time to do it.

“And remember to pick out the things you want to sell!” his mother’s muffled shout coming from the first floor reminded him.

He breathed out deeply, taking his phone again and immediately an incoming call popped up. Kenny’s number and photo on the screen. He waited some seconds not to seem so obsessed over his phone, then picked up.

“Hello?” Stan’s plain voice met giggles at the other side of the line.

“Shh—” Kenny shushed whoever was with him, and the giggles stopped. “What’s up dude?”

“Nothing, packing stuff”

“This soon?”

“My mom asked me, it’s a pain. What happened?

“Hum… I need to know if you’re you free on… ” Kenny’s voice lowered as he got away from his phone, talking to someone. “next Sunday?”

“Ermm… Wait” Stan put his friend on speaker as he checked his calendar “24? Dude, that’s like a day before the moving.”

“Perfect! Can we meet that day? I need you to don’t forget about this” His giggles trough the phone line made Stan’s curiosity rise. He could never know with his friends, were they gonna throw him a surprise party? Were they going to prank him? Was Kenny really interested on hanging out with him? He could never know. He just sighed.

“Dude, you didn’t even ask me if I was busy?”

“I know you aren’t, Stanley.” Kenny’s fake serious tone made him grin.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because I asked Wendy, anyways… this is very important, so don’t forget!”

“Yes, I won’t” He said as he wrote down his friend’s name on his calendar and a little question mark next to it.

“Great! See you around. Good luck packin’!”

“Bye”

Now he was confused and busy, he’d just opened his closet when his phone rang again. “Babe” written above Wendy’s picture.

“Hi, Wen”

“Stan! I didn’t see you after school” He was worried she'd be mad for not remembering to tell her he was going out, but Wendy sounded really cheerful.

“I went to eat with the guys”

“Cool! One question, are you going to prom on Friday?”

“If you want to, of course. I’m not going without you.”

“Aw, baby, of course. We can match and all.” Even though she was being sarcastic she laughed sweetly, sending shivers through Stan’s spine, that ended up in a smile on his face.

“Yeah? I already got my suit- wait I'll send you the pic."

Stan put her on speaker while sending the picture. The conversation went on chitchatting about their day and a lot of compliments after she saw the photo, Stan kept taking storage boxes off his closet, clothes, and all weird kinds of trash.

All of a sudden, Wendy went silent, Stan got the phone and asked her what happened. A short sigh was the only answer.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but we _need_ to discuss the California thing.”

Stan’s breath grew heavy as she spoke, not really getting anything. His throat tightened along with his heart rate speeding up as his girlfriend kept talking about what he didn’t want to hear; his new life was so close, and he wasn’t ready to let this one go. He didn’t want to disappoint Wendy by destroying the life they had been shaping together, after all he felt happy, no, _happy _wasn’t the precise word, he couldn’t remember its real meaning right now, he felt… fine with her, and that was a lot and enough for him. And he loved her. He didn’t want to disappoint their parents, their friends, the image of the childhood sweethearts being destroyed by one selfish decision he could make with a few words. 

So he shut them up. They could make it work, they always did. It was romantic in his head, this “fight to earn it” relationship they had.

_So I’ll shut them up…_

“…I’m only trying to be cautious, Stan. I don’t want us to get there with no clue, and I feel like you aren’t completely sure about the decision…”

“What? Wen, that’s bullshit, you know I’m excited to move. We’ll be together and everything will be better than here.”

_But what if I don’t want to go?_

“That’s a relief, baby…” Her tone was humble and soft, but he could sense some sadness in it, “I really thought you didn’t wanna go… and you know, that’s okay. Just, tell me, please.”

“Wendy, baby, I’m okay, I swear.” His answer was breathy, and he coughed it out not to worry her more than she already was. “And maybe we could talk it soon, but… not today, please, not now.”

“Can we talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s better.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” 

He sighed as he hanged, everything was a mess, not only his thoughts but his room didn’t let him think clearly, and all this newfound hesitation was overwhelming. He always worked it out, with the changes. Then why was it so hard now?

He lazily picked up a box, just to leave it on the floor and sit next to it, laying his back on the bed as he tried to recover, breathing in and out slowly to cool his mind and focusing on what he was feeling. The recent events stressed him out, realizing the little time he had left in the town was going to fly away quickly. He wouldn’t even notice and he’d be in Los Angeles living a whole new life away from his comfort zone, away from his friends and family.

He cast about for his phone now hidden between the mess and shakily wrote Kyle’s number on the dial. He waited, getting his breath; he knew his friend always picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, dude. Uhm, can I ask you a favor?”

“I guess so, what is it?”

“Can you come over?”

"Are you gonna give me back my hat?"

"We'll see."

"What kind of answer is that?"

"Just kidding, come help me and we can find it."

"Wait, did you already lose it!? Stan! And also, ‘help’ you? What happened?"

Stan laughed at his confusion, more relaxed now hearing his friend's apparently normal tone. 

"My mom wants me to pack my stuff and I wanted you to keep me company" He laid on the bed, feeling kind of exhausted.

"More like you want me to do all the work."

"_Ha ha_. Nah dude, for real, I just want your company"

Kyle had said that jokingly, but Stan's tone felt really genuine.

"I’m on my way"

And with that Kyle hanged, leaving Stan staring at the ceiling, less overwhelmed but not entirely okay yet. With all his effort he got up and went back to his wardrobe where he picked two small boxes out, stacking them around his bedroom. Some minutes passed until he heard someone clearing his throat behind him, and there he saw his friend looking at him from the door.

"Where's my hat?" Kyle's puffy afro was less wild than when they were kids, he kept it brushed to the side and cut short from his left side. He got everyone scared when he cut it like that.

"What?" He played fool, leaving one box on the floor before facing Kyle's frown and intense green eyes, "Hm, no I don't feel like it..." he made a pause analysing his friend head to toes, "plus, your hair is cute."

Kyle blushed at his friend's compliment, lifting a hand to tame down his always messy mane, with little success. "Dude, what the hell, don't say that."

"Kye, learn to accept a compliment" Stan got closer to his friend and messed his curls. _What was with people touching his hair these days?_ he thought as he pulled back from Stan.

"Ah, shut up" he snorted, but smiled in the end. "Ok what did you need me for?"

"Just to keep me company to be honest."

"Huh, so you weren't joking."

"And pass me one of those boxes I left there" Kyle rolled his eyes but obliged anyways.

“Huh, I’m impressed you really got over the hoarding thing.” The redhead said with a wry grin, smirking at his friend’s returned eye roll. 

“I know there’s a lot of shit, but if you saw me back then, then you’d know I’m better now” Stan was squatting, opening one box. “Put that over there.”

“Dude, this stuff is really old, like_ real_ old” he emphasized, tearing the worn tape out of one box while doing so. He inspected some baseball themed toys and some pictures of them on the baseball team, choking back a laugh.

“God, our faces” he laughed, showing the picture to Stan. “We hated-- we fucking _despised_ that game. You can clearly see it here” He was covering his mouth with one hand, now trying not to completely burst in laughter.

“Well, our parents surely did not” Stan took the picture in his hands and an instant grimace followed by a snort came out from his mouth when old memories came to his mind, he passed it back to Kyle like he didn’t want to think about that time ever again. “We sucked at that”

“Yeah, I’m relieved we never had to do it again” Kyle stacked it back to its place, his attention being drawn to more old photo albums he flicked through while his friend spread the content of another box on the floor.

“Dude,” Stan took a drill from the now half-empty box “so this is where I put it… my dad’s gonna be so mad if he finds out.”

“But he doesn’t have to and…” Kyle sat legs crossed on the floor, next to him “I’m pretty sure he won’t remember.”

“Or if he’d even noticed” Stan peeked at him, smiling softly and pressing their shoulders together as he put the box on his lap. He felt so calm with his friend that this didn’t even feel like a chore now. “At least I won’t have to deal with his shit anymore.”

“Dude” Kyle’s chest was going to explode from the closeness now, feeling like his heart was heard all over the room, but he tried to keep calm as he answered his now frowning friend. “Don’t say that, you might miss him when you're gone." 

"Yeah… I guess so... I don't know, I don't really want to think about it." Stan's expression changed abruptly, frowning like he had a headache.

"About Randy or about LA?" he asked carefully, fearing his beating heart in the silence would betray him.

"About, either, damn, I don’t know, dude. I thought I had everything figured out but- I’ll miss this, I’ll miss being this close. I’ll…" He locked their eyes for one second, feeling the words get stuck in his throat, a dangerous mixture of pent-up feelings he didn’t know how to control threatening to burst from his mouth, he held his head with his hands, trying to breathe again.

Kyle's eyebrows furrowed, not knowing what was happening to his friend. 

"You don’t have to tell me if you don’t wanna… but you know I’ll will always be there for you." 

"No you won't, you’ll have this beautiful life, dude, I don’t wanna ruin it for you—" He stammered, he didn’t know what he was doing but he felt like he couldn't stop. "Sorry, I meant…" he was spitting out the words without thinking, his thoughts making a mess inside his head and keeping him from thinking straight. "You have to focus on your life, I don’t wanna make you miserable or something" He got up, feeling ashamedly stupid after saying that. His breath was short, his heart pumped in his ears and his chest tightened, everything made it harder to stay steady. Kyle got up too, taking his hands and looking at him concernedly, probably thinking he was going to throw up.

"Dude you never made me miserable, and I can take care of myself. I know when something is bad for me."

"No, yeah, I know, but you’re so sensitive, and… innocent." He meant it in a positive way, but it came out horribly because his friend pulled back wrinkling at him.

“Stan, why are you like this? I’m not a child" His eyes darkened, glowering now.

“Shit, sorry, I know, I didn’t meant to…”

“You’re sweating, are you going to be okay?” Kyle said, interrupting him with a monotonous tone trying to hide the hurt in his expression turning towards the door.

"Kye, wait, I didn’t meant it like that, I know you can take care of yourself but-"

“But what?" he bursted, turning sharply to face him "Dude, we’re all leaving and you suddenly treat me like you care?” He blushed softly, feeling utterly dumb for asking so much from someone who was nothing more than a friend to him and who would never feel the same way, but still could blindly follow if he used the right words.

“What?” the other’s outburst made him feel terrible, asking himself if he really did come out as someone who didn’t care. If his friend knew how much he actually did, he’d probably be sick and run away. "Kyle, I’ve always cared about you!” His fists were soflty shaking, knuckles whitening as the pain and confusion turned into increasing anger as he realized how he was acting towards the person he cared about most, though he couldn’t even stare directly at him.

“Are you like this with Wendy? Shit, no wonder you two always fight-”

That was over the edge for both of them, Stan just numbed out and stared at him, perplexed by his last words, was he that bad to his girlfriend that even others noticed? Fuck. Did he not have a clue about any fucking thing? It seemed so. Kyle lifted both of his hands to his mouth as it would have stopped what was already said. He mumbled something Stan didn't get, and they went silent. Tense, deaden silence, soothing him into a state of dullness he now couldn't escape from. Next thing he knew his friend was walking through the door, the quick _"I'm sorry, I'll go now"_ resonating in his head and in his room full of boxes, with him still standing in the middle of all the mess. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! this is my first fanfic ever, but in a language that isn't my first, so I apologize if I made mistakes, I tried to check it as many times my understanding allowed me to- still, I hope you enjoyed it! I love Style and the song this fic is inspired by is really beautiful  
I must clarify it's not smut, just angst. It's rated M because a dubcon sex scene that should happen later  
Thank you for reading!


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